I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
