plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
