This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
