Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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