sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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