you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
