My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
