I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
the day after is always just damage control
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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