literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
