My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I came so hard my ears popped.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
