The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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