I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
