I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
