We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
