I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
