I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Randomize
