Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
