sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
