He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Found your dick twin last night
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
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