He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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