I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
