i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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