Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
