I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
