happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
