I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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