Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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