the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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