one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
