You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
And then my night got REAL pukey
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
