Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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