Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
