my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Randomize
