So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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