i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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