God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
