I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
