Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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