Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I love how my cats smell like pot.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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