omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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