I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
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