my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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