Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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