Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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