Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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