That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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