I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
