she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
