Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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