note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
