never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
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