She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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