I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
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