Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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