I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
